I feel like this week has thrown me into the middle of the ocean and its been sink or swim. It started with one issue and as the week progressed I found myself faced with at least 4 separate issues that have really just beat me down. I'm overwhelmed, upset, stressed and deflated. I really needed to just step back from my blog, close up, hole up, whatever you want to call it, and try to figure out how to work through things.
I've recently gotten some things off my chest with an issue that sits very deeply with me. It was not taken well by the other person making these bad choices and in a way I guess maybe I should have left things be. I felt things needed to be said, but I now realize that many people just never change. My words may have hurt, but I hope that someday they'll be looked at closer and analyzed deeper. Throughout the bickering, this person dug up things totally unrelated to the issue.
I suppose in trying to deflect the negative off of them, they dug up some issues on my blog that I post very honestly about and throw them in my face, turn them on me and make me look and feel like a bad person about it. I have always felt like my blog was a place where I could attempt to be "real"... to be myself, be honest and open and truthful to who I am and what I'm going through. I've had so many readers email me and tell me how they love my blog and love my honesty and love that I can be real and not paint this "perfect" life that I have (thank you!). Because my life is NOT perfect. You're about to see that. I have never on this blog attempted to portray that, and I hope I never do. I'm debating on whether to even publish this post or not, or if I should just type it and let it sit as a draft for all eternity. We'll see how it ends up.
In having my "real, honest, open" thoughts thrown in my face , that kind of piled on with another issue that emerged with a friend. I won't go into that here, but those two circumstances really made me face another huge issue... the M issue. Marriage. (Which was in a way a bit hypocritical as this family member who threw these things in my face has no idea what being in a marriage is like, and in her relationships when it gets tough they call it quits)
You know how when you get married everyone tells you that the first year is "so hard?" Well, I feel like that was a breeze, especially compared to becoming a parent. Since we've had Porter, our marriage and any issues we've had have really taken a seat on the back burner. We added the most precious little guy to our family and he consumes our life. We bend over backwards for him. We wouldn't have it any other way and can't imagine our lives without him. I kick started a business that consumed a lot of my time in the past year and a half. Ryan began college classes and that takes up much of his time. Where is the us time? Where is the time to reconnect, to make that switch from being parents to being husband and wife again? We used to laugh together, love each other and have fun together. We've lost that, and its something we have finally faced and realized that we need to fix it and get things back to good. In a way, I'm grateful for some of the drama this week as its really opened both my eyes and Ryan's. Or, more like... its made us FACE those issues that we've just ignored and stuffed in the closet for so long.
And on top of all that, I've realized that in part with some issues in our marriage that part of my problem is the type of person I've become... negative, judgmental and overly hormonal. Ok, so I have a bit of an excuse for the last one, but honestly, this pregnancy has really set me over the edge. On top of working, running a business, being a mom and a wife and taking care of a house... everything has set me over the edge and I've turned into this person that I just don't like. Like I said in my previous post, I am trying hard to make a change. To start seeing the good in things rather than focusing on the bad. To start praising others for their good qualities rather than their bad. And that filters into the marriage issues as well... so hopefully with me making this change it will help US grow stronger as well.
Tonight I had a chat with a friend, who I won't name but she knows who she is, whom I feel blessed to have met. Turns out we've been going through many of the same marriage issues in the same time line, yet neither of us knew this until this evening. Can I tell you how RELIEVING it is to hear someone say many of the same things that I myself have thought and felt? To know that we aren't the only ones having trouble adjusting to being both parents and marriage partners? I felt like I could finally sigh and admit that our faults and struggles were okay and normal.
So, anyhow... I'm feeling gutsy and feeling like I want to be open and honest with this post. For now. I might pull it if I get that weird "I shouldn't have posted that" feeling, but for now I think I'm ok with sharing. I think its ok to admit my life isn't perfect... that I have struggles that maybe some of you have as well. And, hopefully, I won't be looked at negatively for it. I'm finally surfacing, and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.