I'm freaking out. I have less than an hour to be at the hospital. 6:15-6:30. I just got out of the shower and I'm in tears thinking about having another baby.
Not happy tears either.
Like, depressed, my life is going to end tears, why did I want another baby tears, what if I don't love Hudson like I love Porter tears. I don't want to go through delivery and be in pain and deal with the after delivery pain and agony and depression and drama tears.
And then I keep thinking... even though I WANTED to be induced, I'm freaking out now that what if today isn't supposed to be the day? What if I'm being crazy by choosing to be induced? Should I have just waited until I went into labor? Is it selfish to want to hurry and get this pregnancy over so we can concentrate on the house and moving and all that stress? What if something goes wrong? What if I die, what if Hudson is sick? What if by choosing to be induced I end up having a c-section or what if something happens during delivery because my body wasn't ready to go into labor naturally? OMG I'm losing my mind.
I hope to freaking hell this is normal. It probably isn't. I'm so nervous and dreading having this baby. How awful is this? I've been so excited to meet him, but all of a sudden I"m just like "What the hell... why wasn't I just happy with Porter? Why add more chaos? I don't want to do delivery again. I don't want to be in pain again."
I hope this doesn't make me a rotten mother. I'll definitely not be including this post in my Blurb Book for my 2008 Blog. "Sorry Hudson, I was kind of dreading your arrival." Wow what a slap in the face for my poor child. I probably should have saved this post for my secret blog... its not very nice. (Please don't get me wrong.... we both COMPLETELY wanted a second child, and Hudson was fully wanted and wished for, so its not a "oh crap I got pregnant and don't want another baby" type thing.)
Anyhow, I'll update as soon as I can. You know I"m addicted to the computer... it'll be up there with me.
Wish me luck. Wish me some good drugs... maybe some good ones after delivery too?