Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Crazy, pre-delivery woman ramblings

I'm freaking out. I have less than an hour to be at the hospital. 6:15-6:30. I just got out of the shower and I'm in tears thinking about having another baby.

Not happy tears either.

Like, depressed, my life is going to end tears, why did I want another baby tears, what if I don't love Hudson like I love Porter tears. I don't want to go through delivery and be in pain and deal with the after delivery pain and agony and depression and drama tears.

And then I keep thinking... even though I WANTED to be induced, I'm freaking out now that what if today isn't supposed to be the day? What if I'm being crazy by choosing to be induced? Should I have just waited until I went into labor? Is it selfish to want to hurry and get this pregnancy over so we can concentrate on the house and moving and all that stress? What if something goes wrong? What if I die, what if Hudson is sick? What if by choosing to be induced I end up having a c-section or what if something happens during delivery because my body wasn't ready to go into labor naturally? OMG I'm losing my mind.

I hope to freaking hell this is normal. It probably isn't. I'm so nervous and dreading having this baby. How awful is this? I've been so excited to meet him, but all of a sudden I"m just like "What the hell... why wasn't I just happy with Porter? Why add more chaos? I don't want to do delivery again. I don't want to be in pain again."

I hope this doesn't make me a rotten mother. I'll definitely not be including this post in my Blurb Book for my 2008 Blog. "Sorry Hudson, I was kind of dreading your arrival." Wow what a slap in the face for my poor child. I probably should have saved this post for my secret blog... its not very nice. (Please don't get me wrong.... we both COMPLETELY wanted a second child, and Hudson was fully wanted and wished for, so its not a "oh crap I got pregnant and don't want another baby" type thing.)

Anyhow, I'll update as soon as I can. You know I"m addicted to the computer... it'll be up there with me.

Wish me luck. Wish me some good drugs... maybe some good ones after delivery too?


  1. I am mentally sending trays and trays of margaritas your way.

  2. I am totally thinking of you and sending lots and lots of good energy. If you weren't freaking out a little I would wonder why I like you so much so embrace the freak out.

    Cheers to new babies and good drugs and the ability to drink vodka.

  3. praying for you!! hang in there! You are a FABULOUS mom and I know you will love hudson!! Hang in there girl!

  4. Hang in there girl! That is exactly how I was feeling the night I had Morgan, I almost felt guilty for having another baby, but that passed as soon as labour started. Porter and Hudson are lucky to have you as their mommy! Sending lots of vibes for some good drugs!

  5. oooh nicole! don't feel bad about feeling that way. i hope all goes well today and you are able to have a good stiff drink soon! :)

  6. Good Luck Nicole! I know everything will be fine.

  7. Nicole don't feel bad for worrying about induction. I did the same thing! I worried about forcing on labor when maybe it wasn't time. I worried about not liking the baby after he's born. I worried about being selfish in 'choosing' my day to deliver. All the things you are feeling are normal! And I think since you've already had a child, you know that pain that comes with delivering. They say that women forget it, I don't think so. My memory of it isnt that far, and I know it'll be there when I deliver too. With you having contractions this past weekend, I'm sure your body will just take over on the labor, just needs a little boost. Thats what you can think of the Pitocin as doing. Just getting things started for ya. Your body has birthed before, it'll know what to do. Don't worry about doing it early. You're within a week of being due AND you are dialated to 3cm. Thats awesome! That cervix is ready!! Okay, probably enough visuals there. Keep me updated Nic! I'm thinking of ya and will be there with Margaritas when you get home! HAH!

  8. Good Luck! I'm sure all these emotions are normal. You will love Hudson just as much as Porter. You are so blessed. Don't worry about the house.

  9. oh we all feel that way at some point with pregnancy. panic and irrational and the whole ball of wax. you are and will be a fantastic mommy. the induction will be smooth and the drugs will help! take care!

  10. Sending happy vibes your way. Everything will be just fine when they hand you that little guy for the first time. I'm sure everything will be fine! Can't wait to see pics!

  11. You'll do great Nic! Today at the hospital AND in the days, weeks and months to come. You're going to love your two little boys like crazy.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers all day! Can't wait to meet Mr. Hudson!!

  12. Oh Nicole... I am positive that everything will be okay and you will be the best mom to Hudson as you are to Porter.

    Good Luck and just think... You will soon be able to drink a Margarita Baby!!!

  13. I was also freaking out the night before induction! And I've been induced three times! I think it's different went you just go into labor, because it's your body saying it's time...not the same feeling as when your induced...and you have time to think about what's going to happen ;) All those feelings will go away when you see your baby, then you will be saying "what was I thinking?" Good luck with it all and can't wait to hear the details and see pictures!!

  14. I just said a prayer for you.Can't wait to see pictures of him.
    I know you'll do great! You are probably feeling the way you are, because you have so much going on right now. Hang in there though. Once you see the face of that baby you carried inside of you for nine months,things might change. Can't wait to meet him.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


  15. Can I just tell you how much I appreciate and love your honesty? Even if the feelings you posted are fleeting ones, thank you for making at least this blog reader feel a little more "normal" today.

    You are going to do great and be a fabulous mom to 2 little adorable boys!

    You have been so uncomfortable physically, that for that reason alone I think induction makes sense. Not to mention all of the other stressors you are undergoing right now!

    Sending you big hugs and prayers for Hudson's safe arrival and as painless as possible labor and delivery for you!

  16. Haha.... you are NORMAL. I'll pray for you quick, I think I might be too late for the pain part:)
    I remember when I went to get induced that I was a moron for getting prego again just because it was gonna hurt like hell!!!
    Get 'er done, girl! PUUUUSSSSHH!

  17. I totally remember saying to Kyle on my way to the hospital, "What were we thinking? We can't afford a baby! This is crazy!" I'm sure I'll be the same way if we have a second. Stupid hormones.