Thursday, January 8, 2009

TFT: Wife or Mother... which is harder?

Have you checked out this website: Super cool and lots of funny bloggers on there. I love it. I thought I'd share the newest Momversation as a Thought for Thursday....

Which role do you find the toughest? Or can you even choose? Do you find yourself neglecting your mate? Or is marriage a walk in the park compared to being a parent?


  1. Wife. Much much much harder for me. The mother thing is DIFFICULT but because I love her so very much it's not as big of a challenge. Plus she hasn't started to say No yet.

  2. I think it is the combination of the two that is so hard. My first year of marriage was hard, but after that I think it was pretty smooth. But, now that I have a child that takes up so much time, I have to work to find the time to connect with my husband. That being said, watching him with Dylan - he's never been more attractive!

  3. I think being a wife is much harder for me. I find that my husband is self-sufficient and my kids are not, therefore they come first. I wish I was better at both! But, I get to spend all day trying to be a good mom, whereas Brian gets me at night, when I'm tired, ugly, crabby and smelly :) Poor guy! I think recognizing this is the first step though!

  4. Being a mom is much harder for me.
    Watching that video clip, I found myself agreeing with almost everything Heather/Dooce said... growing up with an example of what NOT to do in a marriage, without the illusion of living happily ever after, I think gave me a good realistic picture of how hard it can be.
    That said, the past seven years I've been married have been surprisingly easy for us... even throwing kids into the mix earlier than anticipated within the first year of marriage. I thought a good marriage would be hard work and for us, for some reason, so far, it's been mostly smooth sailing. I think part of it has to do with our primary mindset of being "a team", trying to working together instead of against each other.
    Even with the kids, haha- it's like it's us against them rather than each of us butting up against each other in parenting issues.

    Now parenting, on the other hand, I find phenomenally more challenging. I mean, I'm shaping a whole person (people) here! I feel like this job is so important and you only get one shot at this and that has so much -almost everything- to do with who your kids become as people. I feel like it just gets harder each year. The baby thing... that was easy peasy. I can handle the crying and the tantrums.
    Soon it becomes bigger issues and just when you think you've got the hang of one phase, they throw something else at you... Like Heather said, "on the job training that NEVER ENDS"

  5. I also wanted to say, I find that study Heather/Dooce mentioned really interesting. About women changing their focus from being a good wife and making sure their husbands/relationship are getting plenty of attention, to being a good mom.
    It's kind of sad because the problems in so many marriages of couples I know, and obviously the divorce rate, really reflects that.

    But with that shift in priorities, are kids being raised to be better people? I think for the most part the answer is no... doesn't almost everyone agree that the overall image society is getting from kids nowadays -anywhere from preschoolers to young adults- is one of a very self-centered, spoiled generation?? Also a self-centered view of relationships... what kind of marriages are this generation going to have?

    I know that wasn't your specific thought or question here; that's a completely different conversation than which job is harder.
    This just crossed my mind when Heather led in with mentioning that study and I thought it was interesting.

  6. I find that being a MOM is much harder. I have a 8 and 5 yearl old girls.....Everyday can be a challange but also a huge joy. One day at a time. I have a great relationship with my husband and truly enjoy spending alone time with him (which does not happen often enough)and it is easy being with him. So together we are raising out girls and we do it as a "team" because we need each other. Otherwise they would eat us up and spit us out!!! :) so I would say that being a MOM is much harder for me.

  7. i find being a mom harder. i don't think it's necessarily HARD - though there are definitely parts of it that are. i just think that day-to-day it's a lot more challenging and heavy on the emotions, which can be draining. and there's a lot more WORK involved with being a mom (actual work as in labor, not work as in working on your relationship). my marriage, so far anyway, has been EXTREMELY easy. it hasn't felt like 'work', ever. we both have parents that have been married 30+ years and i think we both had great examples. and we are a lot alike and both pretty laid-back people so i think that helps out - there's absolutely no drama. we pretty much just always agree and get along.

    and i agree with what heather ('our' heather, not dooce heather) said about the study. it seems like more people now put kids first and their marriages second. i don't think there is a right way, but for me, our marriage is the center of our household, and if that's not rock solid, then nothing is. i think it's the best thing we can do for our kids.

    so, maybe i think marriage is the easier one because i give it first priority?? our child(ren) come second and everything else falls into place.

  8. I think wife. Only because by the end of the day, Jade deals with me when I have zero energy left. Most of my time and energy goes into Reyna. That's a tough question though.

  9. I think motherhood has been definitely much more challenging for me. My husband and I have been together a long time, and for the most part always get along, agree on the big decisions, have fun together, and are happy. Motherhood has been the toughest job I've ever undertaken. Every moment of every day I feel responsible for the life and well-being of my son. I find it challenging, exhausting, and ever-evolving. Extremely rewarding, yes. But much more difficult and time consuming than my marriage. I agree with what the finslippy blogger said- that it's easy to neglect a marriage without even really noticing it. Marriage DOES require a lot of work, and I think many parents get so caught up in the parenting that they don't realize their marriage relationship is being neglected. The kids on the other hand... they don't have any problem letting you know when they're being neglected.

  10. Wife is harder, definitely for me. Having to deal with another adult, most of whom still act like children themselves sometimes, and keeping the relationship strong through good times and bad (especially financially!!) is a much harder accomplishment!! You can mold and 'raise' a child. It's hard as hell to do that with a HUSBAND!! ;P

    My ability to parent came early on with siblings, babysitting, working in Day Care, being a Nanny, etc. I always knew I wanted kids. But, I also knew exactly what to 'expect' when making the decision to have them...and that's basically knowing that EVERY pregnancy/baby/child WILL be different and you can't say to yourself BEFOREHAND, what you definitely will/will not do, how the baby/child will/will not be, etc. and so on.

    So, I think knowing that having children is both a blessing and a roller-coaster ride is why it's a no-brainer for me to say parenting's easier. That's also why no one should ever pass judgement on another Mother...especially if that person does NOT have children of their own!! Even single parents can sometimes be a little self-righteous in their thoughts and beliefs!! The only thing you need to "Expect When You're Expecting" is that from the time you get that Positive sign on the Pregnancy Test's all up in the air and you can't have set expectations or you'll be sorry later when reality kicks in and knocks you on your behind.

    Awesome TFT topic, Nicole!! ;)

    P.S. I actually posted a TFT for once and focused it on thoughts about the BWMRW Trip. I thought you may want to know.

  11. Wife.. Hands down.. No if ands or buts about it.

    My parents have an AMAZING marrige and have been married for almost 26 years.. They set a great example for me and my husband both but I dont know if that was good or bad for me and my outlook on marrige.

    I know its a great thing I have a daily example to look at and learn from but other times I think maybe in my mind marrige was percieved to be easier than it really is? if that makes sense. My parents NEVER argured. never and they just worked it out.. and they have an amazing thing to show for it.. I however do not see how that is possible to never argue!.. I love my husband with all my heart but it takes SO MUCH more work to be a good wife and make your marrige work then being a Mother for me..

    I have always wanted to be a mother. Its what I dreamed since I was little. I also went to school to work with kids so that part also came natural for me.. I know that it is not true for everyone though.. Every aspect of motherhood comes natural for me and I am thankfull for that. That does not make me a perfect parent by far but I am working on that like we all have to..

    This was a great TFT as one of my goals for the new year is to make it a point to put my marriage first because for us its what counts next to God in our life and family. It will makes things work like they should.. and plus I am stuck with this guy right:)..

    I LOVE the momversations also! I posted it a few days back and think they are just awesome...

  12. For me being a mother is by far harder than being a wife. Not much in my life changed after getting married, but so much seems to have changed, mostly for the better, since having Jack. It has made me much less selfish, but I don't always feel like my husband has had to make as many adjustments or sacrifices.

  13. I'm coming in late to this convo, but I have to say I find them both difficult . . . though, I found marriage the more so because it's almost impossible to deal with someone who wants to manipulate the situation by feigning indifference.

    So since I'm not even married anymore . . . maybe I'm not allowed to answer the question. LOL

    Raising children is difficult, but at least there is some instant gratification with the unconditional love part. And the knowledge that even when they do something mean, you know they don't completely comprehend their behavior and the consequences. They just desperately want to assert their independence and they haven't yet learned the most effective way to do that yet.

    Thanks for the link to the website!