I've had a lot of guilty things rolling through my head today. Parenting things. Life things.
For one... Beanski's post the other day really resonated with me. REALLY resonated with me.
With Hudson being sick a few weeks ago I couldn't help but feel so inadequate in so many ways... inadequate as a mom because I couldn't do anything to make him better. Or make him just feel better. Inadequate as an employee because I couldn't be as reliable as I needed... or wanted... to be.
I couldn't help but think... this sucks. I love my job. I love my kids.
I really love my kids. I really love my job.
But... I can never, will never be able to do both at the same time 100%. Something will always lack. I couldn't help but think... this sucks.... as much as I love working... its SO hard to juggle that. Not just juggle working and then coming home and having 3 hours to spend with my kids and also in that 3 hours fit in dinner, cleaning the house, running errands and whatever else may pull at me.
On top of that normal working mom juggling and guilt is the sick guilt. If the sitters sick.... I have to scramble to find alternate care or, well, call into work. If my kids are sick... call into work. I hate feeling like a "bad" employee... I hate feeling like I'm letting people down. I hate feeling like I'm unreliable. I guess it comes with the territory of having kids. On those days I really wish I were a SAHM and didn't have to deal with that guilt. In one sense I don't feel like I should feel guilty for doing what's best for my kids... for taking care of them when they're sick... but I have other obligations that need me too. It sucks.
And then today, here I am blogging. I took a quick break from scrapbooking to blog because scrapbooking often gets thoughts rolling in my head and I just want to jot them down. Journal them.
Its sunny out. Its probably still pretty chilly (it is March... and it is Michigan) but its sunny. Pretty out. And we're in the basement.
I feel guilty.
I feel like I should be taking advantage of these fleeting spring days because its is Michigan and its likely we'll have snow in a few days, but then I think... I just want to chill. I just want to relax and veg out and spend time with my boys and play and scrap and watch too much tv and make a mess and clean the house and get caught up on laundry and blogging my thoughts and and and... and not feel guilty.
But I do. I feel like I'm cheatin gmy kids because we aren't outside all day. I feel like I'm wasting away a nice spring morning and being lazy and slacking. On days like this sometimes I wish for a rain day... a day to do nothing but curl up in our pj's and be hermits.
I guess there is always this afternoon, right? The day isn't a total wash if we don't get outside this morning.
And then there's this 2nd child syndrome that's been bugging me lately. Maybe its just because Hudson is a completely opposite child than Porter... I know I shouldn't compare... shouldn't compare him to Porter or to other babies his age... but I do. Silently I wonder... am I doing all that I can as a parent to help him develop? Am I doing the same things with him as I did with Porter at this age?
Porter at 9 months could say hi, mama, dada, baba and dog. At 10.5 months old he knew some animal sounds and what animals made them. He could follow simple instructions. Hudson still just makes sounds.... "gheee!" "maaa" "daaa"
Porter was pulling himself up to things, walking around furniture and pushing push toys. Hudson still won't roll over... if he's on his back he remains there until he gets pissed. He's crawling now and will pull himself up to his knees to toys/things but when put standing next to something has no idea how to move his feet.
Among other developmental things (clapping, pointing, playing peek a boo, recognizing people/things) I keep thinking... its because of US. Its because he's a second child. He's missing out on so much one on one stuff that Porter got! I don't sit and read with Hudson like I did with Porter. I don't narrate every single little thing we do like I did with Porter. I have another little person in the house to take care of along with Hudson and I feel like I am giving Hudson the shaft! I worry that he'll be behind in school. That he will be late developmentally, verbally, socially. That he won't love books like Porter does because we don't focus on them like I did with Porter. That he won't be as curious and inquisitive as Porter or question things or know what things are like Porter did.
But then I think... maybe its just because he's a different child with a different personality and different likes and feelings and interests.
I don't know. I just don't know. Its such a guilty sort of morning I'm having here. I hope there are others out there that can relate?