A few of my favs:
Mom: So when we come to Sydney can we stay at yours?
Me: Oh. Sure. Well, actually there are a number of awesome hotels just a two minute walk from my house. I’ve just emailed you a bunch of links. Have a look! Am happy to book any of them for you. But, yeah, of course you are welcome to stay at mine, if you really want to.
Mom: You were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for 17 years. But I understand, a week at your apartment might be a bit … much.
Me: Don’t you passive-aggressive-smile-face-ME, woman.
Mom: Fuck off. Love you – M.
The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club
Friday I’m doing something fun as well. Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club. Our mascot is Gert Boyle (One Tough Mother) from Columbia Wear. Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity. One of our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated.
Me: i have a date tonight
Mom: just be careful out there
Me: MOM, he’s fine. I’ve talked to him and he seems really cool. I’ll probably fuck it up anyway
Mom: Oh, don’t say that. Just smile…and don’t talk
Subject: The World Needs My Outlook
We were talking to Lora after you last night and she said I should write a blog. I have decided that the world needs my outlook. So I’m going to. Like today we went to the bank with Oscar, we were there for two hours. As Dad said it’s pretty bad when you can say your accomplishment for the day is to almost open a bank account.
Stuff like that. I am now going to email Bob, I don’t know how to make a blog get on the internets. He will know how to do it, but be a pain in the ass about telling me how, and that I can’t write anything anybody would want to read. I’m sort of dreading this already. You don’t know how to make a blog be on the internets do you?
Mom: I can hear the lawn calling out–begging to me mowed
Me: Oh really? That’s weird I don’t hear anything
Mom: Listen closer
Backstory: My mom will often give me (her dragqueen son with nails and purple hair) WAY random and out there advice on fashion. One day she was asking what I was going to be wearing to a family function.
mom: so what r u gonna wear?
me: i dunno. something black Im sure.
me: well all my pink clothes are in the wash
mom: well just don’t dress like Cher and don’t wear tight sweaters, they make you look cheap.
me: all righty then…..
Subject: Start Littering, Stop Breathing
Backstory: I got a notice today saying someone at my office was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. Some good advice from my mother on how to handle it…
Wash you hands, wash you hands, wash your hands. Don’t share pencils, etc. Put a paper towel over the bathroom door handle as you leave and drop it on the floor if you can’t reach the trash can while you hold open with your foot.
PS Don’t breathe at work. Love, MOM
Me: Mom, do you have a fax machine now? My calls won’t go through.
Mom: Yes, we bought that to stop telemarketing calls. We turn it on, and they can’t call us.
Me: Mom, NO ONE can call you.
Mom: Oh, I guess you’re right. Just send me an email when you want to call and I’ll turn off the fax.
Better yet.... go read the Highest Rated.... OMG I was cracking up at these all night long!!!