Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wake me up when September ends...

There are times I feel like that should be the theme song playing for my life. Not always, but sometimes.

September is always going to be a rough month. This weekend marks one year since Cathy left us and in some ways it feels like it was forever ago and some days it feels like it was just yesterday.

I was sitting here playing a game on the computer and it popped into my head that its probably something Cathy would have liked. Something I would have called her about. There have been so many times in the past year I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her to tell her what crazy thing Porter did or said, to ask her advice about something or to gossip with her. And of course I always realize what a silly thing it is that I'm thinking that so many months later.

Last year at this time I remember thinking how I just wanted the month of September to end. To be over. To be erased and just skip it.

Anyhow... just something that's been on my mind here and there. I'm dreading this weekend. I'm replaying this weekend from one year ago in my head.... the boys were sick with coughs and I had a big playdate planned while Ryan was out of town with friends. I had to cancel the playdate due to the rainy weather and Porter's cough being really disgusting. I remember gas prices were rumored to be jumping drastically and I remember getting a phone call from Cathy as she was on her way to the gas station to wait in line. I laughed at her for wasting time waiting in line for gas because when that tank of gas was gone she'd still have to pay the hiked up price. I remember the frantic and unfamilar voice Ryan had when he called to tell me he was on his way home and that things were never going to be the same again. I remember Leslie driving me to Burgess and us being oddly calm about the situation. I remember driving around the curve from 127 to 94 and thinking We're going to get there and she's going to be fine. This is just another one of her hospital scares and things will be just fine soon enough. I remember Dave taking her jewelry and watching her be wheeled back for brain surgery. I remember the eery silence in the waiting room as the doctor told us there was no sense in going through with the surgery- it was too late.

Deep breath.

I didn't expect to get this deep tonight. I was just playing a stupid Block Crasher game on Facebook and thought Cathy would like it.


  1. Odd... I was just thinking about all that recently. I was trying to remember when that was; it seems so long ago, yet I didn't think it'd been a year. I was trying to remember when the football game was.

    Anyway. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and Ryan.
    Prayers for you and your family this time of year... and always.

  2. And I love the last sentence of your post...
    "I didn't expect to get this deep tonight. I was just playing a stupid Block Crasher game on Facebook and thought Cathy would like it."

    It's just such a blatant reminder of how life and grief works... so random. How the surface-y and the deep mesh so much more often than we sometimes realize...

  3. It's funny, Jade and I were just talking about this a couple of nights ago. I cannot believe it has been a year. It does feel like yesterday we were driving to K-zoo and the guys were gone for the football game.

    I am sorry that you guys even have to go thru this. It feels like we are too young to have gone or go thru this.

  4. Its hard to believe that its been a year since that happened. Thinking of you.

  5. Prayers for you and your family. This has got to be a tough time for you all. I can't even imagine.

  6. You are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

  7. i agree with heather - grief is so random. the little things that make you think of what was once here and ours and now is gone and will never be the same.

    hugs + prayers.

  8. Thinking of you, Ryan & the boys!

  9. I love this post. I love that it all stemmed from playing a game that you thought Cathy would like. I love that you DID get into deep thoughts and you had very precise details still in your mind on how things played out. You will love to read back on this post in later years to recall these moments, when things aren't so vivid in your mind. Im sorry you have to go through the memory all over again though too. Im sure it brings it all back, like it was last week. *hugs*