At the risk of sounding like a broken record I will say it again... where does time go? How how how am I the momma to a 4 year old? It amazes me how fast time has flown by. It also amazes me to see what a wonderful little person Porter is growing up to be.
You will always be my special boy... you made me a mama. You were the first one to make us not just a husband and wife but a mom and dad.... a family. You are such a special kid.... you are so curious and clever and, while you are often a source of my frustration, I wouldn't trade this in for anything. I know someday you will grow up to be a brilliant scientist or you will invent something new, or be a strong leader for something. You are determined and strong willed and persistent. You have so many great qualities that I am so proud of.
My favorite thing about you is your humor. You say the silliest things. Just tonight we laid in bed chatting about your birthday. I got ahead of myself and started talking about how soon you'll be in college and moving into your own home. You stuck out your bottom lip and got choked up and told me "But I don't want to live there, mom! There won't be any toys there!" You know what, kiddo? You can live with me forever. Fine by me. I told you I couldn't believe that 4 years ago today you came out of my belly. You asked me how you got out of my belly and I turned the question on you. You said you thought you crawled up my throat and out of my mouth. But if my mouth was closed you couldn't get ou. Then you got silly... you said you came out of my butt (well... actually...). You get a kick out of anything that has to do with butt or poop, so naturally you started saying you got poop in your eyes and poop in your mouth and we were laying there and laughing until we both had tears in our eyes. You always seem to put a smile on my face and make me laugh.
Lately you've been saying "Freeze!" Like... if we're in the store and you want to see something you'll say "Mom! Stop. Mom... FREEZE!" Sometimes you throw in a "Red light!" in there once in awhile.
One of your nicknames is Cranky Franky... it started when you were a baby and it just stuck. It's very fitting, though, as when you wake up we try not to say anything to you.... one wrong word, one wrong look, one wrong touch can set you off into a tantrum or whining or pouting. Despite your crankiness, you are such a snuggler. And I try to soak it up as much as I can because I know someday you aren't going to want me to snug with you. That or you won't fit on my lap... whichever comes first.
There are many times lately I've felt like I've failed you as a Mom. I've yelled too much, spanked you out of anger instead of trying to set an example, ignored you because I had other things that needed my attention and just plain wasn't the mom you deserved at that moment. I'm sorry. I am trying hard to change and I hope that Year 4 will be a better one. I'm hoping I can be the "Nice Mommy" you tell me you want me to be. It both cracks me up and makes me sad when I surprise you by not getting angry over something you did and you say to me "You're being nice to me, Mommy!" I mean... you know you should be in trouble but jeez... how bad is it that you are surprised I'm nice? I just hope that when you look back on these years... these years that should be the best of your life... that you will smile. And you will remember the fun we had and the laughter and snuggling and wrestling.
I love you, Porter Evan.