This week I was incredibly discouraged. If there is one thing I have learned about myself from this class it is that we, the parents, are the problem. Not the children. Their actions are simply a side effect of our parenting. They do what they do because in the past, it has worked for them.
Another major discovery I have found is that I am most likely the largest problem in our equation. This haunts me and weighs on my shoulders daily, and each day that I fail to improve myself I get more and more discouraged.
See, I am a yeller. I'm most likely to fall into the "passive" parenting category but in the snap of a finger can turn to the most authoritarian dictator. It is something I have struggled with since before we ever had kids. My mom and I are a lot alike. She, too, was a yeller. And while I had an amazing childhood with so many awesome memories and she was (and is) an amazing mom to me, I vowed I never wanted to react he way she did when she was angry or frustrated. Well, being on the other side of the mirror now, I can understand and feel all those emotions of anger, frustration and rage that she must have felt.
I know I have a problem. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish I could take a magic pill and be all better. I can't. I know that in my family, I am the one who needs fixing. I'm the one who needs to be retrained in how to act and react. It is a terribly difficult process for me and right now I am feeling more discouraged than uplifted with the place I am in after 7 weeks of class.
Tonight I sat quiet and listened to the wealth of information from my classmates. I felt joy for their accomplishments this week and sorrow for the battles they are fighting at home. But most of all I felt hopelessness and disappointment with myself. For I had not made progress this week. I was still fighting the same battles as I had in week 1. I don't know that my excuse is or even if I have one. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough, if I'm not focusing on the right things, or if I'm simply searching for the answers in the wrong place. I think I need to start journaling daily about our accomplishments and setbacks and maybe it will help me to reflect on what I can do to improve. I only wish I had started doing this weeks ago. Hopefully, though, with the knowledge from this class (and hopefully many more one on one counseling sessions), I can begin to see the light at the end of my long tunnel.
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