Friday, August 13, 2010

This blur

Summer has gone by in such a blur.  I feel like I'm caught in a rapid current and I've been trying to grasp onto anything that might slow things down.  No such luck.  Like last summer, I feel like I've accomplished about 10% of the things I set forth to accomplish throughout the "looooong" summer.

A tiny part of me is looking forward to fall.  This summer has been ridiculously hot and muggy- the worst kind of weather to me.  I'd almost take a snowstorm over the hot muggy weather.  Seriously.  I love fall and am a bit excited about the cool weather, crunchy leaves, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving gatherings and Christmas magic.

The other day, Porter's preschool teacher called to confirm he'd be attending JPS.  We have enrolled him in JPS, originally Sharp Park Academy, and I am really really excited for this year for him.  I am beyond impressed with their curriculum and I have already fallen in love with his teacher.  While he won't be at Sharp Park Academy (they are redoing two classrooms so preschool has been moved to Frost), I know this year will be great for him.  I was kind of looking forward to the dress code (uniform) at Sharp Park, but now that he's at Frost and won't have to wear a uniform I'm excited to take him school clothes shopping.  And I'm actually going to TAKE him, too, because he has such an opinion about what he wears lately.  I know for sure on the must-get list are Gap's boot fit jeans because those are flipping adorable on him.

Today I received a call from my principal with confirmation that my position is still in tact at the school.  Every year my job is pretty much on the chopping block and with the budget cuts every.single.year. I'm always nervous for what is to come.  I'm still holding out for a full time position, and have been quite lazy this year on applying to other districts.  I have a hard time thinking about leaving the school and district I am in. I love my job and I love everyone I work with.  I can't recall a time I've ever come home and complained about my job.  I truly love it.  And I know that next year there will be some retirements, so I'm hoping that my annual "We'll be okay for one more year with this job...." will finally hold true.  My job is not an annually paid position and I don't get paid for days I'm not there.  It sucks.  And while there are many times money is tight and I'm stretching myself thin trying to cram in photography sessions to make ends meet, I love my job at the school- moreso I love the school I am in- and I hope that my persistence will pay off eventually.

I'm also hoping that once I am in full time somewhere I can quit photography.  Oh yes.  Quit.  I may just change things up and become solely a newborn and (summer) birth photographer and work minimally, but I'm not sure.  There are a lot of factors that weigh in this idea.... from the hassle of running a legitimate business, taxes, bookwork, late nights of editing, travel, working on weekends, the fact that photographic talent is hardly valued anymore, and that having a full time teaching position will come with many additional responsibilities- including working some evenings at home.  I also want to get back to doing what I love for the love of it.  I love photography. I do.  I love documenting my life.... my children's lives.  I want photography to be for documenting, not paying student loans.

This fall I am also starting my Master's courses.  I've put it off for too long and I have no other choice.  I'm nervous about working 4 days a week, taking care of the kids and home, keeping up with photography sessions, not to mention the fact that Ryan will also be in school.   I also am worried about coming up with the $400/credit hour to take these courses.  I highly doubt we'll qualify for any sort of financial aid.  And with $55k in student loans already (and $20k that Ryan has...) I am determined not to take out anymore student loans.  Where the money will come from.... I'm not sure.

And more stress with fall... daycare.  The sole item on the list that makes me despise being a working mom. Last year Oma watched the boys 2 days a week and the other 2 days Hudson was at daycare while Porter did preschool and went to LeeAnn's.  Well... Marleen (Hudson's daycare) is on maternity leave until the end of October and my grandma has been having a lot of medical issues with her legs and may require another surgery.   Porter also needs transportation 4 days a week either to or from preschool.  I will be able to do one or the other, but not both.   I need to get on the ball and get things lined up.  I hate that I'm the one that does all the scheduling and Ryan pretty much has no clue how stressful it is.  If I were working full time I'd put them both in daycare and be done with it but we can't afford daycare for them for the entire week with my current job.

This weekend I'm hoping to cram in some fun summer stuff.  We're taking the boys to the fair tomorrow to eat fair food, see the animals and go to the Monster Trucks.  Hudson has never been, and I know he's going to love it.

Next week marks the 2 week mark before school starts.  There are so many things I still want to do!  I might have to make a crammed week next week to fit some things in.  We'll see....

6 comments:

  1. Seriously a shame that you would consider quitting photography because your pictures are amazing. People would LOVE to have your talent. And if you're looking for daycare talk to me at class on monday...I may have a suggestion for you if you want it! Hope you have a great weekend!

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  2. that is exactly why i've never been that interested in starting a photography business... i shoot for my friends and family for free (well, and this year like 3 weddings that i am paid for). but you know how it is... you hear all the time, you need to have a business! but, then it becomes work/pressure. and you are so right, everyone is a photographer now and so value goes down and running a business is hard. i was just reading somewhere (not sure where?) that it's our culture now to have to sell everything you do... like, if you are good at making quilts, you should be opening up an etsy shop, and if you don't everyone will be telling you that you should. know what i mean? it's kind of like if you are good at something you're expected to be selling it. i don't know.

    good luck with daycare, i hope you find something that works out. it is so so stressful. some days i feel like i can't wait until they are in school just so i don't have to make the DECISION surrounding daycare, you know?

    and, thanks for the comment on my blog, it makes me feel a little better to hear that 4 is getting a bit easier. and that you're embarrassed of your kid's clothes too. ha :)

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  3. I know how you feel about the photography thing-- but you are super woman. I think now that we have found our specialty (and for sure yours is birth and newborn)-- I say stick with it and live it up! Take on what you can. I find the same thing about not documenting my life at all-- AT ALL!! Shame on me. Follow your heart and all else will fall in place!

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  4. 老天爺賦予了強者的能力,就是要他比弱者多擔待..................................................

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  5. aaah, so many things you said are exactly how i'm feeling.

    you are an amazing photographer, but i know how you feel. it's not easy to do it with another job, a family, and when it becomes more work than it's worth. i'm trying to find a balance with even the little i do. some days, i'm not sure it's worth it.

    most things 'daycare' suck. good luck. i'm dealing with the daycare juggling right now. ick.

    the good part of the year has just begun - goodbye hot/muggy! hello nice/cool! :) i hope.

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  6. It would truly be a shame if you quit Nicole, but I completely understand if you don't love doing it anymore. Something you love should never be a chore. Running a business flat out sucks at times. I had a friend recently who hired a photographer for the pure fact that she charged $100 for the session and disc. I told her you get what you paid for. She told me her pictures were actually really good. Of course when I looked at them I was quite saddened by what my friend saw. She had no clue and unfortunately many people just don't either. Oh well, her loss right? That's $100 down the drain in my opinion. I'm pretty close to paying my photography bills off (equipment) and I will be cutting way down because frankly I miss my weekends and my family! I like being just a mom and actually like shooting for my own purposes. Every once in a while I get an itch to do something more and my business can scratch that itch so it will stay for a while! Good luck, and I think specializing in babies and birth is perfectly acceptable. I plan on only shooting kids and seniors going forward (families prob too). You are too talented to just walk away, that's for sure. Ok, no more novel!

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