Thursday, July 19, 2012

This week....

has been rough.  I'm not sure if its the unrelenting heat that is getting to us or what, but we've all been crabby.  

The boys have been at each others throats... not talking nice to each other, being vengeful, hurtful, hateful.  

It seems like every time I turn around I'm picking up another mess that someone got out.  

I feel like a hamster on a wheel.  

I've been yelling.  I was doing SO good at not yelling.  

I've been terrible at remembering to take my meds.  

I have been trying to stop and see the positive but sometimes it is SO hard to.  I know I have behaviors I need to stop in order for the boys to follow suit.  I need to remember that my house does not have to be spotless all the time.  

I'm worried about this fall... staying home.  I've pretty much decided to stay home and "be an artist".  Ha!  That sounds ridiculous, I know.  But.... I'm going to try it.  I'm going to try making photography work, and I've also began making signs (check me out: The Reclaimed Canvas on Facebook!) and in the past week I've more than made my school paycheck.  I doubt the signs will stay this steady selling but I love the creative outlet and I am having fun with it.  

I am having a hard time with the thought of not having a "normal" job... a "go to work, clock in and get a paycheck" kind of job.  I also keep thinking that maybe God is steering me in this direction and I need to listen.  A year ago I sat in therapy crying because my babies were growing up too fast, that I wished I could stay home and I knew it wasn't in the cards for me.  And the past few years I have felt like God has been saying No No No to me every time I try to make teaching work.  Over the past many many years I've heard so many times "You're missing your calling, girl" when referring to my crafty/artsy side.  I just shrug and dismiss it.  But maybe it has been a message that has been repeated to me for a reason.   

On Sunday at church the message was amazing.  Ben talked about how you get this plan in your head, you see how you WANT things to go, you have it all laid out... and then all of a sudden things do a 180 and you're all of a sudden not where you'd planned.... things didn't go the way you'd wanted.  And instead of giving up, instead of being defeated, you need to see that it is God doing work IN you before he can do work THROUGH you.  That He is guiding you in that direction to mold you so that he can use you for better in a different way, different than what you had had planned.  This spoke to me SO clearly.  I've had my plan... I wanted to teach.  I had it all figured out.  I've never imagined teaching anywhere else but Bean.  And it is not going to happen.  Never.  I feel defeated, yes.  But I also am trying to look at it as an opportunity to grow, to see what God has in store for me.  To listen to the work that He wants to do in me.  Maybe another teaching opportunity will open up for me.  Maybe teaching isn't where He has a plan for me.  Maybe I'm meant to stay home and "be an artist"... to paint and run my photography business more wholeheartedly than I have in the past 4 years.  I guess time will only tell.

I hope this makes sense.  And this is so off the topic.  I'm just worried this fall... staying home.  It won't be too terrible because Porter will be in school and I'm hoping to be able to afford to send Hudson to preschool, so that will give me a few mornings to get some work done and spend time with Amelia.  BUt this week has left me feeling less than adequate.  I barely shower.  My kids run around looking like orphans.  The dogs are neglected, the laundry gets washed but never folded... I'm hoping I can focus my energies better and find the joy in my new direction.  

9 comments:

  1. Hang in there! take one day at a time...you are blessed to be able to have the chance to be home with your babies. You are very talented with your new endeavor, and doing beautifully. Summer is such a hard time to keep routine so don't be too hard on yourself. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with my two oldest for 19 years, now I am faced with being a single mom for the past 2 years, it's scary and I still don't know what I want to do when "i grow up". ha! Hang in there you will do great, and keep letting God lead you.

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  2. I think you are meant to be an artist. You are so inspiring! Really, yesterday I was thinking "maybe I can make a sign for above my fireplace myself." HAHAHA. I'd rather buy one :)

    If it makes you feel better, being home will be easier in many ways. I was home with sick kids this week and while it is overwhelming sometimes and the house is a mess ALL THE TIME, at least I don't have to deal with the transition from school to home where I have three people that need me at the EXACT SAME TIME. Coming home from work is SO hard because I feel like I can't give anyone what they need. Yesterday I told my husband about 30 times that the more kids I have the more I want to be a SAHM. It sounds weird but it's true. At least I can do SOME laundry. At least I'm not washing bottles and pump parts and making lunches at midnight to get ready for the next day. At least I have some time to listen to them and play with them...even if it's divided by three. I hate racing to pick all of them up and cram in dinner and baths and non existent family time before doing it all again. A long winded way of saying I think you'll like it. As long as you forgive yourself for yelling (you will and they will still be good people in the end) and for having a messy house because man, you just have to accept that one, right? My house is DISGUSTING and I am by nature a total neat freak.

    Oh and I want to order a sign. I love them all. Do you think shipping would be insanity? :)

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  3. I totally understand your hamster on a wheel comment. This is the time in the summer that I bow my entire self to sahm, because it is ONE TOUGH JOB! Also, I can totally feel you on the compulsion to want you house picked up at all times. Every time I turn around I'm picking up a Mr. Mattox Mess! UGH! Hang in there Nic!

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  4. Shannon GerdemannJuly 24, 2012 at 5:59 PM

    What a power blog, I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. It may take some time to get a routine down with your new life, but you will get there. Also you not the only one and I'm glad I'm not the only one that has barely shower and kids that look like orphans. My landry is never folded either, my bedroom looks like a landru basket exploded! Sometimes I just feel like I'm surviving, not living!
    Shannon Gerdemann

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  5. Shannon GerdemannJuly 24, 2012 at 5:59 PM

    What a power blog, I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. It may take some time to get a routine down with your new life, but you will get there. Also you not the only one and I'm glad I'm not the only one that has barely shower and kids that look like orphans. My landry is never folded either, my bedroom looks like a landru basket exploded! Sometimes I just feel like I'm surviving, not living!
    Shannon Gerdemann

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  6. Thank you, Shannon. I'm glad I'm not the only one! I now know exactly why I always hear SAHM's saying "Oh no... summer break" or "I can't wait for school to start!" :) I've always really looked forward to summer break because it gave me more time with the kids. But now I'm slightly looking forward to school starting so I can get some things done around here! LOL!

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  7. As always, I love your comments. Thank you thank you. Yes... I totally agree... the more kids I have the more I want to stay home! I almost feel like its silly now that really just Amelia will be home... P is in school full time and Hudson will be in pre-k, and next year in K full time. I'm hoping photography/artsy stuff will be a good balance of working and having more time at home. We'll see. Someday I need a full time job, something that will give us more "financial freedom"... but for now we're pretty used to being on a tight budget and me only bringing in a minimal amount. I guess that has been a blessing over the past few years.

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  8. Thank you, Lisa. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in wondering what to be when "i grow up". I guess there is never a perfect "grown up" age, huh? Good luck with your new path as well!

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