Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Goin' to the Big D and don't mean Dallas...

No no no... not me.  But my word it seems like everyone and their brother are getting divorced!!   Ok, so really not many people I know personally, but there are SO many bloggers that I'm just shocked over.  It makes me so sad.  And while I know I don't know them personally, I don't know their marriages firsthand (or even secondhand or well, at ALL) but just to grow to love these women- to relate to them and to feel like they would/could be your friend- and then to hear they're going through this tragic situation.  I sometimes feel like nothing is safe... no one's marriage is safe from the big D.  People who I feel like had a great marriage, or who overcame so many obstacles to get to this harmonious (or so it seems) point in life only for it all to unravel.

A few months ago I visited some big name bloggers that I used to worship...err... follow.  Ali Edwards.  Heather Armstrong. Leta from The Cheeky Lotus and Jen Weintribe, a fabulous photographer whom I followed through her adoption story 4 years ago.   And my jaw dropped and heart skipped a beat to read that they were either separated or divorced.  And then just today I found two more well loved bloggers.... Glennon and Melissa (SuburbanBliss)... were either newly separated or divorced.   So so so so sad to me!!  It pains me to think about the shattered fairytale that they're living right now.  I can't imagine.  It just makes me want to scream "IS NO ONE SAFE FROM DIVORCE??"

I can't sit back and judge and I won't, because I don't know the details.  The specifics.  I don't know their hearts and their minds and I don't know their relationships.  But I think to myself, I can't imagine getting to the point where I hated, despised, didn't love, Ryan to the point of wanting out... to the point of not wanting to fix things.  I just can't envision it.  And while I do agree there are situations that warrant a divorce, point blank, (abuse- physical or emotional, unwillingness of the other spouse to fix things etc) I just feel like (or it seems to me) that the white flag is waved prematurely without a fight.  (Like I said... I'm not saying this is true because I have NO idea inside these lives, but from the outside it just makes me feel like it happens all so easily.  I know it doesn't.  I know things build up to that breaking point in most cases.)

My heart hurts for these women that I've felt a connection with (though they have no idea who I am HA!).  I wish and hope and pray they resolve things and come back together with their spouses.  Although I suppose in some cases they're better off apart and should that be the case I pray they find their happy ever after.

6 comments:

  1. This post made me cry because I am one of those women you're talking about. And until I became one of them, I was you and had these exact same thoughts. You are completely right about no one being safe from divorce. When I got married (at 22) I was in it FOREVER and would do whatever it took to uphold that commitment, until he ruined it. Which I was COMPLETELY blindsided by. He did the unforgivable (in my mind and heart) and there was no going back once I found out. Sure, I tried to deal, tried to cope, tried to move past it, tried counseling, everything I could, but that was always my deal breaker. And I made that well aware to him from the start of us being together. Of course our marriage wasnt perfect, every single couple has their ups and downs, but I loved him with my whole being...after all I gave him five kids and stayed home taking care of them since our second was born! Not only is the "fairytale" gone but in steps a life you never thought would be yours, a whole world of devastation that you never knew could exist. Alot of people do call it quits prematurely, but there are some that do try their hardest and it still just can't be resolved and that truely is the worst feeling.
    Let's just hope that the ones you mentioned (and myself included) can find the closure we need in whatever the end result will be and come to a point where we are all happy. I think my comment is longer then your post, lol, but this obviously hit home to me.

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  2. OH Tracey I'm so so sorry. This breaks my heart. :( I absolutely understand--- you can't BOTH move forward for the better in a marriage if BOTH aren't fully committed. And I'm pretty darn positive none of those bloggers I mentioned ever thought they'd be on that path to separation/divorce. I can't imagine. And it is scary to think that the way people- everyone- grows and changes that essentially no one is safe if work isn't put in from both sides. Kudos to you for hanging in there and trying everything to make it work. I know, personally, a couple people who have divorced without blinking an eye- no counseling, no mediation- nothing. Just "We're done" like they were dating or something. And what is sad in those situations is there were kids involved and I feel like a fight should have been put up (in one case, from what I was told, there was no "foul play" just they were "sick of each other" so so sad). I'll be thinking of you Tracey--- Read Jen Weintraub's blog (weintribe.blogspot.com or somehting like that.... She is "Sugar Photography"). I admired her so much as a photographer for YEARs... then found out about 41/2 years ago they were adopting a third child... followed their adoption story, cried with them, laughed with them, was SO happy for their family. And then I found out they were divorcing and it about broke my heart to think they went through so much to build their family and then it just crumbled. ANYNOW... what I was getting to is Jen is now recently remarried and so so in love and so happy. Things get worse before they get better. Hang in there, lady!

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  3. Hi Nicole-my blog stats alerted me to your blog link and I hope it's okay to stand up and say hi and a little bit about what I've been through.

    Without going into details (and, as anyone can see on my (now defunct) blog, I do NOT share private details about our divorce out of respect for my children and even for their dad) I can say that when the line in the sand was crossed, I knew 110% that the only option to provide the type of life that my kids and I deserved was to divorce their father.

    I did not know going into marriage with him 13 years ago what that line in the sand was, and never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) would have imagined it happening. But it did, and once it did I had complete clarity and just KNEW it was time to say goodbye.

    I was scared to death that I wouldn't be able to provide for my kids, financially and emotionally, as a single mom on my own. As a product of divorce I wanted desperately to never recreate my own childhood for my kids, but that's exactly what happened.

    Except it *started* the same...divorced, single mom struggles to support her kids, but *ended* very differently, and I'm proud to say that I was faced with an incredibly difficult decision and made very good choices to get us to where we are today.

    My husband and I provide a stable, happy, loving home that our children enjoy being at. Our 'Brady Bunch' of six kids, two adults and one crazy dog is far from perfect or serene, and certainly NOT something I envisioned four years ago when we adopted Coco. It's so much better.

    The road to get us here was bumpy at best, but it NEEDED to happen so we could have this end result.

    I can say with 110% confidence that NONE of the women listed would have picked this as the path of least resistance. I personally would have stayed in a marriage that was increasingly difficult and unhappy for the rest of my life for the sake of my kids had that final straw not happened. What a mistake that would have been when THIS was the alternative waiting for us.

    To the first commentor-it gets better. It doesn't feel like it when you're staring up at that mountain and feel so small and helpless, but it DOES. I suggest finding a good counselor and a GREAT attorney.

    Hugs.

    Jen (Weintribe)

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  4. Hi Jen--- I just saw your comment on my blog and I didn't have the email to respond back directly to you. I hope hope hope you didn't take offense to my post... I was not trying to insinuate that you, or any of the other ladies, took the easy way out because I can't even fathom the struggles and pain and strength a divorce takes. I completely completely completely understand that the bulk of your life is NOT shared online and that is completely respectable.

    I was just trying to verbalize how blindsided it feels to, as we get older, see other couples/people we know/people we know "of" get divorced when the "sugar coating" looked so picture perfect. I know any marriage/family/relationship is never as perfect as it appears on the outside, or on the www, and I can vouch that my own is no where near perfect.

    I have been a blog follower of yours for a long long long time. I have loved, laughed, cried with you as you adopted Coco, watched your family grow, hurt with you as I read about your divorce and struggles and just recently "checked in" and felt so happy that you and your family is so incredibly happy. I hope that all of those other women end that way- that they find a happily ever after. My heart hurts to think of how confusing and struggling it must be to pick up the pieces and try to make a new life again out of the crumbles, and I hurt for the bloggers I've grown to love as writers, moms, scrapbookers, photographers etc, and to know that they're faced with this uncertainty.

    Ohhh kay. That was a HUGE ramble and it may not make any sense at all. But I am really hoping that you were not offended.... I probably should not have named people specifically, but everyone had publicly at one point or another announced their separation/divorce on their blog and they (and you) are bloggers I love to read, love to follow and really look up to and hope only the best for.

    You have a beautiful family- even more beautiful now that is your brady bunch family. I'm truly happy for you- truly!

    Nicole

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  5. I'm late in responding to this-sorry! As you know, tis the season! ;)

    As I messaged you back on FaceBook-I was not at all offended, so please don't worry. Instead, I was hoping to reassure anyone that reads this that my decision, and I am quite sure ALL of the women listed, struggled incredibly with trying to do right by their kids, and for themselves.

    I don't know if any of them will chime in, and I hope they do (but if they are like me, they rarely catch a link to their blog in time or even look at their stats anymore...it's a fluke that I looked the other day).

    It's so funny how I've had three people I've run in to this week that know me from my blog (you included...the other two in person which was definitely a weird experience). I emailed someone about furniture on Craigslist and her response was along the lines of "Do you have a blog about a daughter named coco?" (and sadly, the furniture had already sold), and I spoke to a MOPS group today and the leader's intro was NOT about how she first met me at the speaking engagement I did over the summer, but about how she's read my blog for years. Talk about deer in the headlights!

    Anyway, after briefly chatting with both they also said they were happy to see that things ended so well, and I was able to assure them that the story has definitely continued, and on the same path as my blog left off.

    The point of my comment is this: People tend to live different lives based on who they are presenting said life to. My kids' school friends' parents weren't aware of the details of my divorce, just as the readers of my blog weren't aware. It wasn't the result of sugarcoating or spinning anything...it is out of respect for my kids and the VERY important fact that whatever I write online, no matter how private, is still accessible to my kids (either now or in the future). And I would never want to skew their view of their father, just as I don't disparage him online or to our kids' friends' parents because I don't want it trickling back to our kids.

    There are layers to all of us, and some things are appropriate to share while others are not. It's our role, as bloggers and parents, to decide what is appropriate to share with our audience. Mostly, it is our role to always protect our children in the process.

    And in answer to your question, no...no one is safe from divorce. But far be it for anyone to decide who has tried hard enough to make that decision.

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